Dear Damon: An Advice Column
by deardamon
Summary: For anyone who has ever wondered what it would be like to have Damon author an advice column... this is for you!
1. On Obsessions

A/N: Dear Damon is a fictional column written by fans of Vampire Diaries and is in no way affiliated with The Vampire Diaries, CW, LJ Smith or Ian Somerhalder (sadly...) But if you're up for some laughs and some… interesting advice, join the fun! And remember, if you read, don't forget to review!

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Disclaimer: Damon Salvatore is not responsible for any actions resulting from his advice columns. Furthermore, anyone leaving negative comments will be tracked down and either:

a) Turned into Damon's midnight snack

b) Compelled to adore and serve Damon Salvatore's every whim.

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have this problem. Well, it's not really so much of a problem as a decision. A decision I've been struggling with, and I just don't know how to decide. See, there's this guy, he's totally sweet and romantic, and he just gets me. But there's this complication where my uh… lifestyle… could get him hurt, maybe even killed. I'm not sure I could handle that. But then there's this other guy. Tall, dark, and dangerous, and well, we kinda look out for each other, and we've been through a lot lately. I almost thought it might really work out with him, but well… there's this other complication. His uh… lifestyle… could quite possibly get me killed. It all sounds so ridiculous, but I just can't make up my mind! They're both just so yummy. Please tell me what I should do._

_Kisses  
Can't Actually Resolve Everything_

Dear C.A.R.E.,

Firstly, this whole internet thing? So not my gig. I'd much rather just put the information into your head the old fashioned way by compelling you- but since you've decided to keep your identity a secret (which by the way- probably smart. I don't play well with others) I guess I'll have to use the preferred human method of communication.

Before I can dispense advice I feel I need to know what this dangerous and unmentionable lifestyle of yours is. Mafia? Prostitution? I can handle it. Hell, I've probably done it.

Now as far as the advice goes, there are some basic ground rules. In a kill or be killed world, it's always kill. But in this instance, your sugarpuff boy-toy sounds an awful lot like my brother and if there's one thing I know for sure- it's that dudes like that don't know the first thing about pleasing a woman. That being said, I'd go for a walk on the wild side.

Now whatever you do, don't listen to your heart. Trust me, that thing will screw you six ways to Sunday and make you want to 'do the right thing.'

I say, do what makes you feel good. If you need help figuring out what that is, you know how to get a hold of me.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,  
I can't stop thinking about you. Please get out of my head!_

_Sincerely,  
Tormented in Toledo_

Dear One Lucky Broad,

Alright lady, here's the deal. In my defense, I'd like to point out that 4 out of 10 times a woman thinks about me, it's of her own accord. Seriously- that's between you and your conscience, sister. However, if you are in the majority of women, then I've probably compelled you into one thing or another. If that's the case, and I'm in your head on my terms, then buckle up sugar, 'cause it's gonna be one helluva ride.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_My roommate thinks I'm obsessed with a TV franchise known as Stargate. She keeps threatening to take it away, or she uses it as leverage to make me get her Kool-Aid. She also thinks I'm too attached due to my recent run of reoccurring dreams where I travel through an ancient ring to do battle with alien races. How can I convince her that I'm not dependent on it and still not give it up at the same time?_

_Signed,  
Chevron-1_

Dear Chev-whatever,

You remind me of some over-geeked version of my brother. It's creepy. Get a life, and don't drink the Kool-Aid.

Love,  
Damon

P.S.- Sounds to me like a vamp has a hold on your dreams. Trust me, I know a thing or two about that. Mine usually take place in a bedroom, but we're getting off topic. (I'll email you personally about that if you're interested.)

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	2. Red is the Color of Love

A/N: First, we want to thank everyone who has submitted questions so far! Please continue to send your questions in! Also we also wanted to mention that we would like to make Dear Damon a regular column that will be posted every Monday! So send lots of questions (See the Editor's Note at the bottom to find out how) and check back for updates! Now for the fun stuff…

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_Dear Damon,_

_I am sooo totally obsessed with this actor! Seriously! He's sooooo hot, and my sister is like 'What's wrong with you? Get over it! You'll never meet some famous person. You need a life.' That is sooo mean, you know? How can I, like, totally stay infatuated, but in a healthy way? I would love you forever if you could help me,_

_Love,  
Starstruck_

Dear Starstruck,

I am sooo in the wrong business. Really, why do girls always fall for those camera hungry actors? I mean, really? I'm way hotter. Listen- normally I don't agree with siblings, because they're usually out to kill your fun, but in your case maybe you should think of dialing it back just a tad. You don't need to stop liking the guy, just don't be so obvious about it. Do what my pansy brother does and write out your feelings. You'll get it out in a healthy way and you'll stop annoying those around you in the process.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm a college student and this semester I'm taking Literature. I love reading, but my professor gave us this assignment that I have no clue how to complete. We have to write a children's book. Please, please tell me you can help! I'm desperate!_

_Waiting as patiently as possible,  
Bookworm Not Poet_

Dear Bookworm,

Contrary to popular belief, my reading is not strictly limited to the watered down details in my brother's diary. At least, I hope they're watered down; otherwise his girl isn't getting her money's worth from the whole 'dating a vampire gig'. But I digress- over the years I've learned a thing or two about what any great book needs. A hero, a villain, a battle. Draw yourself a couple pictures (stick figures will work, kids don't really give a crap) and you're good to go.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. It's always a good idea to name the hero 'Damon'. I find guy's named Damon always win.  
P.P.S. Desperate you say? See my note below.

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_Dear Damon,_

_Okay, there is this really amazing guy ( Isn't that how it always starts) that is two and a half maybe three years older than me, and I've known him since I was really little! And here's the catch! I'm falling for him! I have no freaking idea how to even begin to talk to him, and since you are a guy, please tell me what to do!_

_Yours Truly,  
Falling Fast_

Dear Falling,

Let me get this straight. You like a guy that you've known since you were really little but have never spoken to? It's usually a good idea to start with "hi." Good luck.

Love,  
Damon

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And finally, a special Valentine's Day message from THE Damon Salvatore:

Dear General Female Population (Specifically the lonely, desperate ladies out there) - I'll see YOU at the Grille.

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	3. On Smut And West Virginia?

A/N: To everyone who has sent in a question or who has posted a review, thank you all so much. Damon has greatly enjoyed tackling your life's problems (because hey... it gives him a break from his own love triangle). For anyone who still has a question or anyone who just wants to make one up, send them in! Every question will be answered (it might not be in the following column, but we promise to get to it!) And now... on with the show.

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have been seeing this really great guy, but my mom doesn't approve, and when I didn't stop seeing him, she kicked me out, now I'm living with my boyfriend but I miss my family, and they will only take me back if I give up this guy, and I can't do that._

_Signed,  
S_

Dear S,

In my century of existence I've learned a good bit about love and family. They're supposed to go together right? Yeah, they go together like oil and water. Your family doesn't approve of your love, and most likely your love definitely doesn't love your family. Well here's the truth: when it comes right down to it, only person you can count on is numero uno. I've never been one to follow my family's rules. I didn't listen to my dad and well if you met my brother you'd tune him out as well. And I know the good, sweet people would tell you that family is the most important thing, but- unless you're living in West Virginia- family isn't going to keep you warm at night. So follow your hormones … I mean heart and stick it out with the guy.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm so pissed off at my little brother. He always does things to get me in trouble, and when i complain about him my mom always tells me that because I'm older, I should be the wiser one, but it's sooo annoying and it's getting way out of hand. Tell me what to do please!_

_An Angry Sibling..._

Dear Angry Sib,

You could be my not-nearly-as-cool-or-good-looking human counterpart… a.k.a. we've got similar family issues. You see, I've been trying for _decades_ to get law making bodies (and some of them were very _hot_ bodies) to put a 'one child per household' rule into effect. Sadly, China seems to be the only country catching on.

Unfortunately, the only thing worse than a little brother who gets you in trouble is one who decides he is morally superior to you. And parents are always going to side with the youngest. Quit complaining about him and start planning. Keep all their doting attention focused on him while you carry out your evil plots. I'd start with this gem: Shove him in a closet, stuff a chair in front, and go hide his favorite things. If you're going to get in trouble because of him, might as well enjoy it first.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have writer's block. I'm writing about a sexy, troubled, dangerous vampire, but I'm having a hard time writing my smut scenes lately. I'm a mischievous bisexual university student with a currently pathetic love life. What should I do?_

_Unsigned_

Dear Co-Ed Minx,

You tell me all that and don't give me a location or even a name? You give a whole new definition to the term 'playing hard to get', cupcake. Regardless, might I suggest it's time for a chance of scenery? Try seeking out new locations to do your writing and research in. Somewhere darker perhaps, more quaint. May I suggest Mystic Falls? I'm sure there's _someone _around here who could whet your writing whistle, show you some new rope tricks, help out with some 'collaboration' so to speak. I can email you separate if you'd like to set up a 'private' tour.

Love,  
Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	4. WTF?

A/N: Thanks again to everyone who is reading and commenting and favorite-ing. Your feedback is definitely awesome. Damon has gotten a few... out there questions... and has decided to showcase them this week. So for all of you who want to know how Damon really feels on the big issues, like Pop music and Children's Dances... keep reading :) And keep a look-out for your own questions as Damon promises to answer them all... Just beware... because you may not expect the answer you get!

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_Dear Damon,_

_i've read some really bad advice cullom who make up lousy advice so i wanted  
to write a note to the editors but here is the catch the person who writes  
those annoying advice is a very good-ish man, i kinda like him so what should  
i do? (PS: another thing what if he has mood swings?)x)_

_~Angent D_

Dear Angent D,

The war is over, princess. There's no need to write in code any longer. Please draft your letter back into normal English, and resubmit. Thanks!

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_This lady i work with had the audacity to call Justin Bieber a '__rock star__'. Please find her a murder her for me. Thanks._

_signed,_

_No Friggin Way_

_P.S._

_If you'd rather kill Justin Bieber, I'd be more than happy to provide an alibi. _

Dear NFW,

I've never heard anything by this Justin character but I did manage to find his nail polish line on my recent Google search of him. Seriously? No 'rock star' has a line of nail polish. Regardless, he must be doing something right. I mean he has all these girls hanging all over him. Maybe he's a vamp compelling them with his songs? Hmmm…. Now there's something worth looking into.

On the subject of killing- Usually I don't allow myself to be hired out for murder. I really only like to get my hands dirty if it's completely necessary. Now if he starts coming around here and getting girls over the age of twelve to swoon for him, then I might need to eliminate him. In the mean time, I'll send you one of my many credit cards and you can feel free to buy as many of his albums as possible and burn them. I find pyromania to be very cathartic.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Is the __Hokey Pokey__ really what it's all about?_

_Signed,  
One Who Shakes It All About_

Dear Shakes,

I think I like you best of all. I'm thinking getting a few people together to play an updated version if you're interested. Strip Hokey Pokey, because maybe it's not what _it's_ all about, but it's what _I'm_ all about.

Love,  
Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	5. Addictions, Vampires and Love: They All

Disclaimer update: We still don't own Damon, Ian, Stefan, Paul or anything Vampire Diaries related. And it still really sucks. (no pun or infringement intended)

A/N: Damon is greatly enjoying answering all of your questions and meddling in all of your lives. If you want more columns, make sure you send in more questions! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed/favorited/Alerted. Not that Damon cares what you humans think... (But seriously, thanks.)

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**Addictions, Vampires and Love: They All Bite**

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_Dear Damon,_

_My favourite TV show is going on a six-week hiatus. How can I prolong the nommy high I get from tuning in and avoid teary withdrawals?_

_signed,  
Desperate for Diaries_

Dear Desperate-

Since beginning this advice column four short weeks ago, I had no idea there were so many desperate women out there. Seems as though this whole internet thing does have some value to it, after all. Also- fair warning to all you lovely ladies out there… I am currently back-tracing all of your IP addresses in order to better serve each of your individual [and desperate] needs. And, contrary to my brother's beliefs, I'm sure you will all soon be able to attest to the fact that not everything I do is self serving.

Anyway- back to your particular problem at hand- fortunately for me, I've never had the problem of a six-week hiatus from anything… but I hear human women often turn to frozen treats or uncooked dessert batter when they're feeling down. (I personally prefer the women who drown their sorrows in booze and meaningless sex… but to each his own.)

Good luck! And just for the record… The only thing in this world worth crying over if it's gone for six weeks is _me_.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm currently obsessed with vampire shows - more specifically with humans feeding vampires blood on tv. I blame __Jason Dohring__ from portraying that Josef vamp so deliciously feeding off hot chicks necks and wrists. And also __Evan__Rachel Wood__ as the vamp queen making blood from the __femoral artery__ of a good  
woman look so tasty!_

_I wanna be bitten now!  
Whatever shall I do?_

_FreshieFangbangerGirl_

Dear FangBanger-

Meet me at: [Edited for content by Stefan Salvatore**]

Love,  
Damon

** Trust me; you'll thank me for that later.

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_Dear Damon,_

_You seem like the kinda bad boy arrogant person whose secretly a sentimental goey goey guy, hell I wouldn't be surprised if you're probably in love with a girl you can't have.  
Well all I can say is karma's a bitch and you probably knew that before you professed your love to me... I mean her and compelled her..._

_Love  
Caught in a triangle..._

Dear Caught,

Never in my life have I been so insulted. "Gooey gooey" is a term more appropriately applied to my puppy dog brother. I refuse to even dignify this question with any further response. "Gooey gooey." Fuck. I need a drink.

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	6. On Getting Things Done

A/N: The questions are pouring in and we are so grateful to everyone who is reading and reviewing. Spread the Dear Damon love and tell your friends! And if you read, don't forget to review and leave Damon a question. (Damon loves the random ones… So let's see what you've got!)

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**On Getting Things Done**

**I feel the need to address something that happened to last week's column. Apparently my brother has escalated in geekiness to hacker level. My apologies to _FreshieFangBangerGirl_. Don't worry babe, we'll sort this out. Email me privately.**  
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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm starting to get really annoyed at my best friend. She's the one who has all the friends, the bold one who everyone likes and wants to talk to. I'm the shy one, and although it makes me mad, every time I try to be 'not shy', I chicken out. I feel like I'm getting annoyed at her for no reason, but I don't know what else to do..._

_Shy Girl With Bold Best Friend_

Dear Shy Girl,

Here's what you do. Step 1: Buy a really sexy, revealing outfit. Step 2: Indulge in some liquid courage. It usually helps the really bashful ones. Step 3: Wear your new ensemble out somewhere public (like a club or the mall or something… really, anything with guys your age will work). This way, you don't have to say anything (so no chickening out) and you'll steal the spotlight from that attention-whore friend of yours.

Trust me, you'll get so hooked on the limelight, you'll never be shy again. Oh, and definitely snap some pictures and send 'em my way… I like to take pride in a job well done.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. If that doesn't work, drop me a line. I might be able to swing by and compel your shyness away.

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_Dear Damon,_

_The most important part of my academic life is coming up and I should be revising and working hard but I can never bring myself to do it. I'm always procrastinating in the evenings - be it with music or games or movies. How can I motivate myself a bit more and start working for these exams?_

_Signed,  
Pedantic Slacker_

Dear Procrastinator,

I'll get to your question later…

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm sick of being the shy one who blushes all the time. Any suggestions of how to become more confident?_

_The Shy One_

Dear Shy One,

Sometimes people are cast into certain roles. The hero, the damsel in distress, the ruggedly handsome dark brother, or in your case the shy one. Why would you want to mess with a good thing? Some guys go for the blushing innocence look. Accept it, use it. I'd recommend investing in a schoolgirl outfit. That really toys with the innocence vibe. Good luck.

Love,  
Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	7. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

A/N: In a couple of weeks we'll be debuting a new feature to Dear Damon (which we're incredibly excited about). Until then we've still got lots of questions and lots of Damon inspired answers. Check back soon to see what's in store! (And don't forget to review and leave your question for Damon!)

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**Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap**

Alright, I'm going to try not to make this a reoccurring thing, but I feel the need to yet again address something. I get a lot of letters and emails, and I'm trying to get to all of them since all you pathetic people can't figure out how to fix your own horribly tragic lives. However, as flattering as it is to get emails asking about my relationship status (from mrs0cullen and Summer Fairy just to name a couple), here's the low down. Damon Salvatore does not 'date'. That means zero in the way of girlfriends, long-term blood donors or any other commitment based interactions. That also means no freaking feelings involved. If you're looking for a desperate one-night-stand, or a short stint as a compelled groupie, then we'll see what we can work out. Now please, unless you're applying for one of the aforementioned positions, find another question to ask.

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_Dear Damon,_

_There's this girl who I really hate, (she's for team Stefan, I know she's outta her mind right?) And she really annoys me, and idea on how to not lose control and strangle her to death?_

_Love,  
Don't wanna go to jail_

Dear Jailbird,

Hold on just one minute. I'm trying to wrap my head around this concept. What the hell is a "Team Stefan"? Dear God, tell me this isn't like, a baseball team full of clones of my brooding brother? I don't think I could handle that… especially if some of them are female. Oh God, please get that image out of my head. Out!

Whew. Okay. Where was I? Ah yes. I don't know the meaning of this "Team Stefan" business, but it sounds horrible and deeply tragic. I think it's something that definitely needs to be taken care of, and strangulation might have to be our route on this one. Don't worry about jail though. I'm good at covering up tracks. You'll be just fine.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_The Boardinghouse always looks exquisitely kept. Do you and Stefan have a maid?_

_Curiously Compulsive Cleaner_

Dear Compulsive,

I have a few questions for you: 1) How the hell do you know what the Boardinghouse looks like? We seriously need better locks on that place. Sometimes I regret killing that great great great nephew of mine (What was his name? Zach I think? You lose track after a few generations.) At least when he lived here we knew it was only humans that entered unwanted. Now anyone has free reign of the place. 2) With an anal retentive brother like Stefan, how else would it look? Seriously, that guy is a packrat and a neat freak all at once. It's insane. 3) Are you angling for a job or something? I'll be honest, we are not currently seeking to employ a maid, but if you've got the outfit I wouldn't mind giving you an interview.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. Anyone tells Stefan that I regret killing that idiot they let share my last name and it will be the last thing you ever do.

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_Dear Damon,_

_Sometimes I have these really weird urges to burst into song. Like in __Math __c__lass__ last week while the teacher was going on about __Quadratic Functions__, I had to bite my lip to stop myself from just suddenly standing up on my desk and singing a solo...What should I DO?_

_Love,  
Singer At The Worst Times_

Dear Singer,

Is there really ever a good time to randomly burst into song? I find musicals to be disturbing and not in a good way. Creepy smiling people, bright costumes, and bubble gum happy songs? I retch at the thought. I suggest you bury your head in the sand until the feeling passes. Either the urge will pass, or you'll die before you can unleash that evil on others. (I say nothing ventured, nothing gained...)

Love,  
Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	8. On Writing, Drawing and Arithmetic

A/N: Thank you all once again for the love. The 'editors' appreciate it more than Damon does (as he just refers to it as 'due praise' for his 'constant brilliance'). But we secretly think that Damon appreciates your comments and questions too. (He must if he hasn't stopped writing yet… Right?) Anyway… next week a new Once-A-Month Feature will be revealed. Check back to see what it is! In the mean time though, don't forget to keep submitting those questions. Now how about some advice?

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**On Writing, Drawing, and Arithmetic**

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_Dear Damon,_

_I love making up stories. It's so fun. Do I need to stop?_

_68beats_

Dear Storyteller,

I suppose that would depend on what type of stories you're making up. Are we talking writing stories or lying? Is this some type of habitual lying game you play with everyone in your life? If this is about writing, are these stories dark and mysterious and wrought with sexual tension, in need of a tall dark handsome mysterious leading man that could easily be patterned after myself? I guess either way, I say stick with it. One usually lends itself to the other, and there's nothing worse than a terrible liar. Trust me, _Stefan_ie has been lying to himself for decades and he still sucks at it. If there's one thing in this world worth perfecting, it's the art of lying. How do you think I got THIS gig?

Love,

Damon

P.S. Kama Sutra isn't a bad thing to perfect either… just saying.

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_Hey there Damon! _

_I'm assuming you're reading this? Yeah so anyways what do you think about teachers? Because I have this really annoying teacher in Civics (known as Social Studies) who started a lesson about 'thinking' and ended up as a 'how to draw a car' lesson any advice of what to do about him? (By the way, he also takes our food .)_

_~ Student of an annoying teacher_

Dear Student,

Of course I'm reading your whiney letter. Who else would it be? Now, let me get this straight… You have a teacher who willingly gets _himself_ off track during lessons you want to complain about it? Most kids would kill to have a teacher that never stayed on topic, resulting in delayed tests, easy in-class group assignments, and grade padding to make up for their lack of teaching skills. Get over yourself and quit trying to look a gift horse in the mouth! Now personally, I think teachers waste your time regardless of subject matter. Take my buddy Ric. (And I use the term buddy VERY loosely). Most of his students learn more about the history of this town from me and dusty old Gilbert journals than the HISTORY teacher. It just goes to show public education keeps spiraling down the toilet.

Love,

Damon

P.S. If your teacher needs to instruct a lesson on 'Thinking' then I think he deserves your food and your damn respect. But, if you really don't want him stealing your food, next time add hot sauce. See if he steals from you after that.

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm failing math. My tutor quit on me and she's the only one who I could ever really understand it from. Now I'm failing terribly and my teacher doesn't seem to care. Everyone who tries to help me can't seem to get me to understand it. What should I do?_

_-Not Math Material._

Dear Not Math,

I'd recommend avoiding a career as a physicist.

Love,  
Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	9. I Write Sins, Not Tragedies

A/N: And now for our great unveiling: Once a month we will be debuting a list called 'Damon's Top Ten'. Maybe it will help you think up some questions for Damon. Or maybe it will just give you something to laugh about. Either way, enjoy! And our first Top Ten will be the Top Ten Things Damon Doesn't Do. Check it out at the bottom!

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_Dear Damon,_

_I need your advice. My teachers decided that we (my class) will be going on a one week trip to celebrate our graduation. Now here comes the problem, we'll be going into a nunnery for one week. A NUNNERY! I mean, seriously. How on earth shall I survive that? Any tips for me._

_Yours,  
Poor student with amazingly annoying teachers_

Dear Unfortunate,

Here's what you do to survive that trip. Either fake sick and skip out, or find your way into the communion wine. Bonus points if you can corrupt a novice while you're there. I'll need photographic proof before bonus points may be awarded though.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I really want to have children but my husband is still on the fence about it. How can I convince him that it is a good idea?_

_Wanna Be Preggers_

Dear Wanna-Be,

I'm so glad you came to me with this, because we really need to set you straight about this whole thing. Children are monsters. They're worse than vampires. At least when we bite you we can compel you to forget the pain. Trust me, you do not want even one of those little terrors running around. They get into everything, they ruin your life, and they whine nonstop. Instead, I say just stock up on the contraception and go to town. Although if you really feel the need to have something run around whining and sniveling, then you're more than welcome to take my brother Stefan instead. At least he's already housebroken.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Another guy let me down last week. I swear, they never choose me. Which completely weird, because I'm sexy and awesome. I guess I fall for the wrong men... But what can I say, I like bad boys. Any advice for my poor in-need-of-intimacy self?_

_Much love,  
Hails_

Dear Hails,

Well, usually at this point I have to launch into some long boring speech about confidence and skimpy outfits, but you seem to already have that covered. (And just as an aside- why is it that women always fall for the wrong men? I think it's possible you all have broken radar or something.) But I digress, if you're as sexy and awesome as you say, bad boys are totally the way to go. And the best way to find the bad boys is to follow the trail of broken hearts. Word to the wise though, princess- your 'in-need-of-intimacy' self is going to have to settle for it one 'one-night-stand' at a time.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have this strange obsession. Whenever I'm in the school bus and someone is having a conversation, i feel the need to press pause on my iPod and listen...I just can't ignore it... and I usually end up finding something out that i dont wanna know!_

_Help!_  
_Accidental Eavesdropper_

Dear Accidental,

Here's a tip for you, never become a vampire. You'll hear everything from everyone, whether your iPod is on or not. As far as your little issue though, don't you see this really isn't a problem at all? How else are you going to gather all your greatest blackmail material? Trust me, there's always someone to blackmail or extort in this world. At this very important point in your life, you could have power over all your peers. You can find out all their deep dark secrets and use them as black mail. Start carrying a notebook. That way when you need the information later on, it's all right at hand. I happen to use my extra sensitive vamp ears for this same purpose. If you keep it up you'll be just one step closer to being almost as awesome as me.

Love,  
Damon

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**Top Ten Things Damon Doesn't Do**

Damon doesn't do…

10. … pop music  
09. … poetry  
08. … emoticons  
07. … dating  
06. … advice (wait… scratch that)  
05. … shopping malls  
04. … boxers  
03. … briefs  
02. … plaid  
01. … guys

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	10. Tools for Thought

A/N: It appears as though Stefan just won't stop hacking into Damon's account. At least this time he was somewhat useful instead of deleting all the fun stuff. We figured we'd be nice and let him contribute. (Besides, you might not want to have seen Damon's response...) Anyway- leave lots of love. The Salvatore boys need it. And so do the editors. And leave a question or two while you're at it.

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**Tools for Thought**_  
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_Dear Damon,_

_I like this guy but i don't know if I should do something about it. If I ask and he doesn't like me I'll lose his friendship and end up drowning my sorrows in chocolate. What should I do?_

_love,_  
_scared and confused_

Dear Scared and Confused,

Since Damon has decided not to answer anymore relationship questions he has tossed them my way. Actually he tossed them in the trashcan by my desk, but you get the point. What you need is to just start casual. If you usually hang out with him in a group, try to start getting some 1 on 1 time with him. A coffee break or a bowling night just you two. Just fun. Then gradually start letting your true feelings show. See how these friend outings go, and just go from there. I bet he's just as shy about approaching you. Sometimes guys need a signal that they're not going to get shot down on approach. Good luck, and let me know if there's anything else I can help with.

Love,  
Stefan

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_Dear Damon,  
I am currently having issues with my roommate. She and her boyfriend have loud obnoxious sex damn near every night. It's annoying as hell. Not that I mind the act of sex, because that's totally ok, she's just vocal. I've done everything from asking her to lower it down (after the fact, duh) to beating on our adjoining wall. Please help me out, I'm begging you!_

_sincerely,_  
_Angry Roomie_

Dear Angry Roommate,

Ohhh, where to start? I think I'm sensing some jealousy here. Question: Have you ever thought of asking to join in? Threesome can be very fun; although I've got a feeling you wouldn't go for that. So maybe instead of focusing on them, we need to focus on finding you a playmate. Let's give her a taste of her own medicine. I bet if you have some amazing, hot and overly LOUD sex while her boyfriend is out of town, she'll quiet down real quick. (Either that or she'll ask you for my number... I say win-win.)

Love,  
Damon

P.S. If it really bugs you buy some ear plugs

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_Dear Damon,_

_Sometimes I have these very strong urges to burst out into angry fits. It's just that I found out that the love of my life never loved me at all and after all I did for him... Its just tragic. So, unless your interested in some angry sex therapy please tell me what to do. ;)_

_Love,_

_Miss Confused_

Dear Miss Confused,

The only thing I saw here was blah blah blah angry sex therapy blah blah. Just email me a time and place, and I'll see what I can work out.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Manipulative Dick, _

_I know that you won't answer my question either way, so I am doomed to ask it here. In front of everyone (yes, you too, S.S,). How am I supposed to not give in your charms*hem, body*? What would happen if we cross the line? I am way too scared that we both know the answer and want to see action. Please, tell me I am wrong._

_E.G. the prey_

Dear Prey,

Talk about hostility, babe. You have some anger issues to work out. Now, take a deep breath and just chill for a moment. That being said, I'd like to point out that I have nothing to do with this attraction you feel towards me. I'm sure that whatever you are 'feeling' is a direct result of insufficient pleasure you are receiving from your boyfriend. And I'd also like to make note that my motto is "live to cross the line" so if you'd like to discuss this issue in private, I'm sure we can work something out.

Love,  
Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	11. On Obsessions: Part 2

A/N: To Dear Damon's readers- thank you all for sharing your hilarious and sometimes crazy questions. This week is Obsessions Part 2 (with just a dash of WTF thrown in). Don't forget to spread the Dear Damon love!

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have been collecting My Little Pony since I was ten. I have over two hundred, but only keep about fifty on display in my bedroom (see pic). I have recently started seeing someone and brought him home for the first time this past weekend. Things started to get a bit "R" rated , but then he saw the shelves full of rainbow colored ponies, unicorns and pegasi (the plural of pegasus) and lost his "enthusiasm". I threw a blanket over them, hoping it would help, but he kept asking me questions about them. Not that I mind discussing my hobby, but there's a time and a place... Anyway, our "R" rated evening turned "G" and now I'm wondering what the hell is up with this guy? I have never had this problem before. Can you give me some insight into the male mind?_

_#1PonyFan_  
_Gemma R._

Dear PonyFan,

Wow even typing that has scarred me for the rest of time. By the way, thanks for blinding me with the photo of all the sparkly neon colors. Talk about incriminating evidence. Did I see Edward Cullen hiding somewhere in there too? Now listen, I have a feeling your guy probably got stage-fright when he looked up and realized he was being judged by 50+ sparkling unicorns. My suggestion is ditch the plastic horses or they'll be the only thing you'll be riding from here on in.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_See, I take my studies very seriously, but I'm with a group of people who dont. Yet we are really good friends and very popular._

_Today I got 18.5/20 in my Science test and cried about it. Because I worked really really hard for it, My teacher and parents say that its because of my group of friends. What should I do? I dont want to leave that group but I don't want my studies to be affected?_

_Love,_

_The confused and chilled nerd._

Dear Nerd,

I may be a little rusty on my math here, but isn't that still an A? I'm not really seeing the problem here, unless you are one of those 'goody two shoes, gotta go back for the extra half a point' types. I say as long as your passing, have as much fun with your friends as you want. If you don't give them the boot, they'll stick around as long as you let them copy off your tests.

Love,

Damon

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_(Email Subject Line: You're Too Hot) As the title suggests, I think you're hot. But you're TOO hot! Just thinking about your perfect face and flawless body makes me want to cry with desperation to marry you! I have images of your face plastered all over my bedroom wall, but can't look at them because I think I might explode. I think If we ever met in real life, I'd literally die, which would be terrible because then I couldn't snog your face off! Please help me! How do I get rid of my obsession?_

_Love from your future wife_

_x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x_

_PS. I seriously wish those kisses were real..._

Dear Restraining Order,

No, seriously. Look for it in your mailbox within 3-5 business days.

Don't Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm not a vampire and all but all I can think about is blood. My mouth waters when I think about it and I get so hungry when people talk about it. What do I do?_

_from, mrs.k_

Dear Mrs. K,

I'm pretty sure you're in denial. Are you feeling any aversion to sunlight? Do you develop toothaches when someone gets injured around you? Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are definitely a vampire. Sorry, sweetheart. However, if you continue to remain insistent that you're human, then you've got two options: either con some sucker vamp into turning you, (note I am not volunteering), or start shooting tequila every time you think about drinking blood. Either way, life will become a lot more interesting.

Love,

Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	12. The Lonely Hearts Club

A/N: Hey Damon fans! Thanks for stopping by yet again. This week is about all the lonely hearts out there. Anyone feel like Damon has a place among them after the last several weeks? Yeah- so maybe he's becoming a softie… Judge for yourself… Read on!

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_Dear Damon_

_So this is the story, a couple of weeks ago I meet this guys, and totally feel for him but when I went to college the next morning my best mate was crying over some guy, when I asked her what his names was (well lets say I was in for a rude awaking" apparently he'd broke her heart the same night he meet me! The problem is a I really like him, but I also love my best mate. Which do you think I should choose?_

_From,_  
_Choosing is hard_

Dear Choosing,

I have a feeling everyone here is expecting me to say 'follow your hormones' since that seems to be my standard opinion on things. But in light of recent events in my own life I've come to realize that sometimes, (and ONLY sometimes) it's good to have 'friends'. And by friends I mean it's always better to have someone else around to take the fall for something (you know…just in case). Stick with your friend- chances are the guy will turn around and do the same thing to you as soon as someone else strikes his fancy.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have been single for a looong time and don't know what to do. I don't meet new people and my friends are all paired up. The only guys I meet are never attractive. I want to meet a hot guy but not only for one night. Need help._

_Lonely student_

Dear Lonely Student,

While I know that no one in this world could ever possibly be as attractive as I am, I do have to say I doubt that you never meet someone at least marginally attractive. Perhaps the issue here doesn't lie in the prospects, but with the seeker. You just need to lower your standards. You may have to give in to a one night stand here and there. Guys want what they can't have, and if a guy sees you with someone else, he's going to want you that much more.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I really want a boyfriend, but I have high standards when it comes to guys and and my friends are always asking when I'm going to get one already. I honestly don't know. I feels like I'm never going to meet that one perfect guy._

_sincerely,_  
_Lonely and Looking_

Dear Looking,

Your problem is you are looking for that one 'perfect guy'. And (despite my most humble attempts) there is just no such thing; and this is not me being cynical. As I told the last girl- I think a lot of you ladies just have to lower your standards. Give up the fantasy and start looking for reality. Because despite the hopes and desires of women world-wide…. The only place I can simultaneously visit you all is in your dreams.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I bet you don't receive those often, but this question is not about love, nor about sex. It's just that I got injured a few months ago and my dream of becoming a dancer (not a pole dancer, sorry ;) ) is now unreachable. Everyone's telling me to go study in translation but, seriously, I'm sick of going to school. it's getting real boring, real fast and it cost a fortune. Any ideas to help me make a choice?_

_lots of love,_  
_Confused but talented Jenny_

Dear Jenny,

I'm sorry you said you're trying out to be a pole dancer right? Go for it… Let me know if you need someone to practice on.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. Seriously though- I know what it's like to have your dreams shattered. It sucks. And if I knew what 'studying in translation' meant, I might be able to actually dispense advice on the dancing thing. But as you know, I've got a rep to protect.

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	13. Behavior Modification

A/N: Many of you found last week's article to be a little on the soft side. Damon would like to re-instate his original disclaimer, so we're reposting it for you this week just as a reminder (actually we're posting it because Damon compelled us to). Also- it's the first week of the month which means Damon's Top Ten! (Scroll down to the bottom to find it.) Enjoy!

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**Disclaimer**: Damon Salvatore is not responsible for any actions resulting from his advice columns. Furthermore, anyone leaving negative comments will be tracked down and either:

a) Turned into Damon's midnight snack

b) Compelled to adore and serve Damon Salvatore's every whim.

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_Dear Damon,_

_i have a problem - I think I'm clinically addicted to them chewy fruity rainbow sweets called Skittles! I honestly do! I buy like at least three packets a day! I love them so much! But I'm actually worried now, can you actually get like properly addicted to them? I'm scared I'll make my teeth bad or get fat! Help me please, how do I lay off those delicious fruits drops of rainbowy goodness?_

_Lily_

Dear Lily,

You have a SERIOUS problem. I think heroin might be a better addiction than fruity chewy candies. How dare you go down this path. I'm kidding. Sort of. I doubt heroin would be better, but three packets a day of Skittles? That's insanity. If you keep this up you're right, you will lose your teeth. Find something else to do, like throw rocks at small children or light fires in trashcans. Something productive at least.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have a really big problem and I'm sorry if I don't use perfect English – you know, I'm German and I' drunken right now. But there's this really, really hot guy I know and I know he's a mean **, but still I like him. If you were him, would you like me to say a shy 'Hi' now and then or should I jump him the next time I see him?_

_Yours - always drunken - sincerely,  
School-Girl_

Dear Drunken Schoolgirl,

I feel like I'm missing some vital bits of information here, like your name, age, address, kink preferences, etc. You can get back to me on those though. For now, let me try and address your question. As someone who's been known to be a mean ** myself, I mostly prefer it when a woman brings me a beer and starts a conversation with "your place or mine?"

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_So, I love to travel. It's probably one of the most amazing thing's ever. I love meeting new people, and going to new places. I've been all over, but the one place I've never been is Mystic Falls. Is there anything interesting to do there?_

_Love,_  
_April_

Dear April,

To answer your question, yes. I'm very interesting and you're more than welcome to do me.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon, _

_I have a good friend and we agree on just about everything, but there's a huge problem… she likes Twilight! No matter what I do she still refuses to accept that Edward is nothing more than a sparkly fairie. HELP ME! How do I prove to her that T***t is nothing more than a piece of crap?_

_love,  
a person who cares about her friends._

Dear salvation of your friend,

Aaah Twilight. You know, most 'vampire' movies get it wrong anyways, but this one… this one just completely kills the perception of vampires that we've worked so hard to create in this world. We don't sparkle like a princess's tiara or run around playing baseball in a thunderstorm. Sounds like the only option now is to show her how a real vampire behaves. Send me her address, I'll show her what a real vampire looks like. I'll try not to damage her too badly (but no guarantees).

Love,

Damon

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**Damon's Top Ten Guilty Pleasures**

10. Farmville  
9. Telenovelas  
8. Karaoke  
7. Ebay  
6. Bailey's Irish Cream  
5. Snowball fights  
4. Paul Walker movies  
3. Harry Potter  
2. Bubble Baths  
1. Kittens

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	14. The Ties That Bind

A/N: Due to some uploading malfunctions with our lovely host site... we weren't able to get Dear Damon up yesterday for our regularly scheduled column. But never fear! Here it is today. Damon is back and ready to roll! So read on!

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**The Ties That Bind**

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_Dear Damon:_

_What happens to be your opinion on a certain witch that hangs around with your group of friends. I have heard a LOT of theories on this one, and I'd like you to clarify: What the heck is goin' on with you two? you have some odd kinda love/hate relationship, but your personalities are so similar it sometimes scares me, you two are generally having eye-sex without noticing it, and all the time you are together you are flirting in an odd way. Soooo... why the human that's with your brother, and not HER? What is your opinion on this matter? Have you seriously not noticed it?_

_-Kat, a.k.a. One_of_many_Bamon_fans_

Dear Bamon fan,

I'm not sure what the hell a 'BAMON' fan is… but if it's anything like those stupid name mash-ups that celebrities do then you can insert gagging sound here. Also, I think you are insane. I would never be caught dead (or a pile of ash) with that snotty little… witch. I don't have love relationships with anybody, just hate and mild annoyance ones. Bonnie is an extra. Like a lamp or wallpaper. You don't exactly need her, but she makes the room look loads better.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I am in desperate need of advice...I just got back together with one of my old boyfriends and he has changed for the better, and my family just doesn't want to see that. They have me on such a short leash I'm dying. I can't stand it! My younger sister has more freedom than I do and it is killing me! I want to be with him and he wants to be with me, but I live so far away the only way I can see him is when I'm at my grandmothers. I need advice. Please help me, I'm begging you. I want to be happy, and I'm only happy with him. I've been through too much and he is the only one that understands..._

_~Caged White Wolf_

Dear Caged,

First, I'm not keen on helping out wolves… I'm sure we can all understand why but maybe it is time for the 'white wolf' to break off from the pack. If you like the guy, go for it. Eternal youth isn't something everyone has the luxury of having so don't waste the time you have.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon_

_Ok so I'm in a relationship with a guy and it was going really well until I started having these sexual dreams about one of my other guy friends who is ridiculously hot and very much a bad boy. He reminds me of you actually. What do you think this means ? Also I want to get a tattoo of a star on my right wrist but I'm not sure if I should what's your opinion of this?_

_Love  
Shadow Queen xx_

Dear Shadow Queen,

Go for the sex. 'Love' will fuck you up every time. As for the star, as long as it's not one of those weird nautical whatever stars that seem so trendy right now, then I say whatever floats your boat. But seriously, fuck love, go for the sex.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm having 'friends problems' these days. You see my best friend is ignoring me and leaving me behind like a doll...for 3 WEEKS! ugh! So yesterday, she was like 'I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it. Forgive me?' and I was like how come you didn't mean it? so now I'm very confused whether to forgive her or not. I mean I do want to see her suffer but at the same time I want my best friend again._

_love,_  
_friend problems suck (more than love)_

Dear Problems,

People do what they mean. They say what they want you to hear, but they do what they mean. If she left you once, she'll leave you again. Forget about her first. When she realizes what she's lost and comes crawling back, it's your decision if you want to forgive her. But for now, forget about it. She's not worth the brain effort you're putting into this.

Love,  
Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	15. On the Prowl

A/N: Another week, another batch of questions. This week we were kind of overwhelmed at all the love and support and questions you sent our way! This week's questions are a little spicy, so go on and read Damon's always amusing answers! And don't forget to share Dear Damon with all your friends (and your acquaintances and maybe even your enemies. Everyone needs some Dear Damon love.)

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**On The Prowl**

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have a problem. I have a huge crush on my best friend. I have for almost 5 months! I told them how I feel and now they keep stringing me along. I don't know whether I should wait and see how our relationship progresses or whether I should get over it and move on._

_Yours truly,  
Hopelessly Devoted_

Dear Hopeless,

First, let me just say, mixing friend and feelings never ends well. But since you went ahead and outed yourself to him, let's see what I can salvage here. You had the balls to confess, and now you just want to sit back and see where the ride takes you? No. If he won't come around to you, then I'd say it's time to let him go. Nothing is worth waiting 5 friggin months for. In fact my advice is to find someone newer, cooler, and hotter. Go out, get wasted, and find a tall dark bad boy to take you home and get your mind off your 'friend'.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I am turning 40 this year. People say I look way younger. Is it wrong to lust after 20 - 25 year old bad boys? I'm feeling terribly tempted. __Waiting for a reply__, with baited breath..._

Regards,  
The Contemplating Cougar

Dear Cougar,

Darling, I say there is nothing wrong with dating under your age. If I wasn't going after women a century younger than myself, I wouldn't be getting anything at all. Who am I to judge? If cradle robbing gets you off, then I say have as much fun as you want. Just make sure they aren't jailbait first. Happy hunting.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear sexy Damon, _

_This is a random question but do you prefer blondes or brunettes? _

_Love, _

_Random on the corner of the street_

Dear Random,

I'm trying to determine if you mean you're just a random person, or if you're insinuating that you're streetwalker. Either way, I don't judge, everyone has to make a living somehow. I can't say I have a preference. In fact, I'd like to make a point in stating that Damon Salvatore does not discriminate. Now where's your street corner again?

(All women) Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have a confession. My neck is a hot spot and my guy friends just love to toy with me. I don't know what to do. They call me vampresse because of it… I don't know what to do..._

_Always your follower,  
Lost Fledgling_

Dear Fledgling,

I certainly hope this isn't a complaint. If I'm getting this right- 1) You love having your neck toyed with. 2) You have guys around you who love to help you out with that 'hotspot'. I'm not seeing the issue here. And there's nothing wrong with being a vampiress. In fact, it's pretty hot. If you're getting what you enjoy, then enjoy it already!

Love,  
Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	16. I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today

A/N: To all of my loyal subjects...err... readers. Please no more questions about humans liking blood, or actors names (seriously... why should I give a crap about some Ian guy or Nina lady anyway?) And please- stop impersonating the people in my life. They're crazy enough as is. If you want a swifter answer to your question, make it a unique question.

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**I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today**

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_Dear Damon,_

_So, I got my best guy friend together with this girl, she is really great and everything and we have been friends since we were in diapers and when we were walking home the other night from her boyfriends house she told me she didn't like him and I asked why, then out if the blue she asked me out. I denied her, and said I wasn't like that, now she hates me! Alright, what do I do? I have no effin' clue because my best guy friend refuses to believe me when I tell him!_

_Yours truly,_  
_What the eff do I do now?_

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Dear What the eff,

I just have to ask, are you certain you aren't "like that"? Have you tested the waters, so to speak? And if so, are there pictures… no wait those can be altered. Is there video? Isn't being young all about 'experimenting'? I say you should look at this as a chance to get your feet a little wet. But if you really truly insist that this isn't your cup of tea, then figure out a way to get the girl to admit to the guy that she IS "like that". Who knows, maybe they can find a fun little plaything to join them now and then, it's win-win.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon_

_I think you are incredibly hot and Elena is crazy for not choosing you- I'd take you over Stefan any day. Let me know if you want to meet. I could cheer you up._

_Sincerely  
Team Damon!_

_P.S. And no, before you ask, I don't do group sex._

Dear Team Damon,

I honestly don't get the team thing guys. Though I have to say this is a much better concept then a team of Stefan's out there but still, there is only one Damon Salvatore. Now, on to your question. You had me until "no group sex" but if you go ahead and email me a few photos, just so I can see what we've got going on, I'm sure we can work something out kitten.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Why don't you like boxers? They're awesome and look way cooler than other underwear._

_Thanks,_  
_Me_

Dear You,

I'm not sure you really got the point of that. I pretty sure either above or below I also said I didn't do briefs either. I'm gonna let that sink in for ya there. Hopefully this clears up any confusion.

Love,

Damon

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_Now for Stefan (my favorite Salvatore) how the heck do you put up with an older brother that THINKS he knows everything? I'm serious here. I have one too and short of getting myself turned and killing him, what's your advice on handling him? Catch ya both on the flip side._

_Ghostwriter_

Dear Ghostwriter

First let me extend my deepest apologies that you're having sibling troubles right now. Violence is never the answer though. You have to learn to choose your battles in these kinds of situations. Arguing over every little thing isn't going to do anyone any good. Sometimes, most times, you just need to be the better person and let it go. Keep in touch, and let me know how things turn out.

Love,

Stefan

P.S.

I do know everything.  
-Damon

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	17. I Can't Get No Satisfaction

A/N: To all of our American readers, we'd like you to all take a moment to honor the fallen soldiers who have given their lives to ensure our freedom. It is because of them that we are as lucky as we are to live in this great country. And to all of our foreign readers, don't forget to remember your fallen as well. There is no greater love than to give your life for someone else. A brief poem before the Damon goodness:

We cherish too, the Poppy red  
That grows on fields where valor led,  
It seems to signal to the skies  
That blood of heroes never dies.  
~Moina Michael

Not to tone down our update this week- just something that we felt needed to be shared on this Memorial day. Thanks again for all your support and love guys. We got some great unique questions this week, and remember that the truly unique ones have a better chance to be answered! And now...

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**I Can't Get No Satisfaction**

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_Dear Damon, _

_I listen to really cool music, like the Sex Pistols, the Rolling Stones, the Eagles, the Ramones and Jimi Hendrix to name a few, but my friends all think I am weird because I have music tastes in line with their Dads... I listen to some modern music, but that's also random stuff which they don't like. How do I convince them that my music taste is so obviously superior to theirs? Can you compel them for me? And what type of music do you like? (Please don't say you even like that one Miley song...)_

_Thank you,  
I'S_

Dear I'S,

Normally this would be the time for one of my many little quips about liking the Sex Pistols, but let's have a serious moment first. When it comes to all things superior, you've definitely come to the right place. I'm sure in 20 years, when their brains have been rotted away by all that bubble gum pop music, you're still going to be as kick ass as you are now. And they will be the ones attending Justin Bieber tribute concerts. If you're really that concerned about them, steal their iPods and change their playlists.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. I'm extremely insulted that you'd even suspect me of liking a Miley song. Now, Taylor Swift is a different story.

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_Dear Damon,_

_My friends say I'm a good singer but whenever i go to an audition, my voice cracks and i get totally nervous and sway like a tree on stage...I don't know what to do to up my confidence.._

_Thanks,_

_Nervous Singer_

Dear Nervous Singer,

Your 'friends' (and I do use that term loosely) are probably doing one of two things: either they're trying to get on your good side for when you become famous… or they're looking to get you on stage so you can screw up for their amusement. I'll let you decide. As for the confidence, just do what I do. Approach whatever you do with a cocky attitude because everyone is lucky to be in your presence. I mean in my case its true, but maybe the attitude can help you out.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. I've got one final suggestion if you're still getting stage fright. Alcohol. Seriously. Lots and lots of booze. Hey, it works for the karaoke industry.

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_Dear Damon,_

_How the hell do you get away from a girl(other than staking her of course) who you've been going out with for over half a century and you also happened to be the the one who turned her._

_love,_

_A fellow vamp in need of some advice_

Dear Fellow Vamp,

This is exactly why I don't turn people. I really don't need some annoying little lackey following me around for the rest of time. If you're going to take all the fun out of the equation (i.e. staking her) then you're pretty low on options. You could always fake your death and run away like a coward, but if you know anything about the people in my life you'll know that doesn't always work out right. Another option: Lock her in a mystical tomb for the rest of time. It didn't exactly work in Mystic Falls, but maybe you'll have better luck.

If you're completely out of options, I'll let you in on a little known fact- Originals can compel vampires. You could try to locate an Original and get on their good side (which I can promise you will involve a TON of shady deals that will even make vampires cringe) and ask them to compel her for you. If she's not crazy… you can send her my way. I'm sure I can find some use for her.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Have you ever actually met anyone in real life after meeting them online? I only ask because I met this guy a few weeks ago on a dating site and we decided to meet in real life yesterday. We've always had really great chemistry online, but when we met for real yesterday he only stayed for 5 minutes. FIVE MINUTES. And then he left to go grocery shopping. Now, normally I would think he just wasn't interested, but he's still texting me and asking me to get together. Can you shed any light on the mysterious and completely weird mind of the man?_

_Thanks a million!_

_Star Crossed Lover_

Dear Star Crossed Idiot,

He's gay. No, really- there's no insight I can share here. But as an aside- what the hell is going on with this generation? Internet dating? Sexting? When did it become okay to substitute words for sex? ANYway, back to the problem at hand. Maybe he just didn't think he'd get lucky and decided to give you the boot. Grocery shopping seems like something you can put off for a pretty girl. Unless THAT'S you're problem. They do say that men are visual.

Love,

Damon

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	18. That Voodoo That You Do So Well

A/N: It's the first Monday of the month... which means another round of Damon's Top Ten. This week? The Top Ten Ways to Tell if Stefan is Mad. We've got some awesome questions this week too... so go ahead... read on!

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**That Voodoo That You Do So Well**

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_Dear Damon,_

_My friend wanted me to do a love spell for her but I refused. Now, she's being a b*tch! I mean, seriously? What does she think I am? A magician! Anyway, what do you think I should do? And yes, I know you hate my kind but c'mon! I never did anything to you! So don't hate! If it makes you feel any better, I found out that bloodstone once empowered can cure anything. There, I helped you. Now please please help me!_

_Yours truly,_  
_Hecate_

Dear Hecate,

Bloodstone, that's a new one. I'm not sure how you found out about my current, uuh, condition… but your info seems to be a little bit outdated. So, you're a magician? Interesting line of work. I didn't think they did love spells, but I don't really see why you won't help her out. Unless of course you like the guy she wants… and in that case, if you like your friend well… I'm sure you can see where I'm going here. And always remember, pictures are fine, video is better.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. Listen, if you want to help your friend but don't have the 'juice' or whatever it is you witchies run on, set up a little séance and just pretend like you did something. Boost her confidence a bit.

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_Dear Damon,_

_Why can't all guys be more like you?_

_Bells45_

Dear Bells45,

Unlike most guys I am one of a kind, sweetheart. Anyone else would just be a sad, pathetic imitation.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm about to get married, lucky me! There's a problem, though: my best friend, whom I really want to invite, is attached at the hip to my first ex. He's a trashy sort and hurt me pretty bad, and my mom and fiance both want a piece of him for what he did to me. I'd love to have my friend at the wedding, but if she comes, she'll bring my ex and then the party will probably turn into a fight over beheading rights, and the last thing I want at my wedding is a messy beheading, blood on my dress and police involvement. (Not everyone can do it quickly and cleanly like you!) Any advice on how to tackle this?_

_Not an Executioner_

Dear Executioner,

Maybe you can arrange for him to have and 'accident' before your nuptials. If you don't wanna go for deadly, a nice coma could do wonders for you. It's your funeral- you get to decide who's there and who's not. But, if you invite him it would probably be the most memorable part of an otherwise boring day.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_recently I've just been plain unlucky! I didnt get into the school I've been dreaming about going to, my little brother went missing and then my grades at school are dropping... what can i do to increase my luck.?_

_Signed,_  
_Unlucky_

Dear Unlucky,

College is overrated. Brothers are WAY overrated. And grades aren't worth much if you don't go to college. Trust me, there's only one school worth applying to- and that's Damon's School of Cool*. Now accepting applications.

Love,  
Damon  
*All Girls boarding school located in my bed

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Top Ten Ways to Tell If Stefan's Mad

10... His nostrils flare

09... He pouts

08... His fingers tap

07... The deep sigh

06... He tells you that he's not mad, just disappointed

05... He writes in his diary

04... The 'furrowed brow'

03... He hides your ring

02... The narrowed eyes

01... He's Stefan

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	19. Devil Went Down To Georgia

A/N: Seriously people... don't you know what you're reading by now? Leave a comment or question and we'll be happy. That is all.

* * *

**Devil Went Down To Georgia**

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_Dear Damon,_  
_Whenever I sleep, my dreams are always centered around the supernatural. Whether its medieval or vampires/werewolves. You also appear in them alot. What should I do?_

_Love,_  
_DreamerOfShadows_

Dear Dreamer,

What should you do? You should be grateful that I bother to appear in your dreams at all. You aren't complaining, are you? I can always find someone else to toy around with. Think about it.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm engaged, and my fiancé keeps talking about finally taking the plunge, getting married and having kids. I'm definitely not ready to jump into that, and keep pushing off the planning. The reason for this is that before him I only dated women, and I'm not sure if I'm really ready to give them up. Also, I'm definitely no where near pure enough to wear a white poofy dress and light unity candles (I pride myself on this). What should I do?_

_Sincerely,_  
_Happily Deviant_

Dear Deviant,

First let me just say how refreshing it is to find a woman who prides herself on her impurity. You definitely don't sound like the marrying kind, so how did this guy rope you into it? Personally, I say don't let him tie you down. Well, I mean down to a bed maybe, but not with a diamond ring. And if you aren't ready to give up women, don't. Come over my way and I'll find you a steady string of women- so long as I'm included in the festivities. And trust me, snowflake, nowhere near pure is perfect for what I had in mind.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Other than killing Bree, why did you decide to take Elena to Georgia? Why not Vegas or Reno?_

_Sincerely,_  
_Curious_

Dear Curious,

Curiosity killed the cat. Don't be next.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Listen, my entire class is full of people who love sparkly-vege-pixes and I'm the only one who HATES it! Even the guys love em! (Gay bastards...) I sat through about two minutes of the movie and I nearly puked. I ran into a different movie right away. Twilight messed up the whole image of vampires!_  
_Fuck Twilight._  
_It's tough being one of the only girls who hate Twilight so can you pppllleeeaasssee help me get rid of these pixie-loving-fools-I-have-to-call-classmates, believe me, I tried!_

_P.S I burned my best friends twilight books, it was fun to watch the books burn into flames over a campfire! I just don't have a best friend anymore...but it was sooooooo worth it!_

_Love,_  
_Twilight hater_

Dear Hater,

Did you know that PS stands for Post Script? That means AFTER where you sign your name. Also- you can't throw a rock without hitting a Twilight groupie. Get over it.

Love,  
Damon

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	20. Bump In The Night

A/N: Damon is looking for the most unique question out there. So, let's see what you all can come up with! Happy reading!

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**Bump In The Night**

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_Damon,_

_Do you know how to speak any other language besides English and Italian? I'd_  
_love to converse with you in French…_

_With love,_  
_-AmèlieTavernier 3_

Dear Amèlie,

I'm fluent in body language. If you're interested, we could work out some private tutoring. It's a difficult language to learn, but with a few long hard hours of practice, I know you can walk away with a whole new view on life.

Love,

Damon  
P.S. Voulez-vous couche avec moi ce soir?

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'm curious as to what your stance is on ghosts. You see, I was home all by myself today and the water in the bathroom started running on it's own. I've also noticed flickering lights in the house and sometimes I'll leave something in one place and come back and find it somewhere else. And if you believe in ghosts, any ideas on how to get rid of one?_

_Thanks!_  
_Non-Casper Fan_

Dear Ghostbuster,

Spirits are real, and after some recent personal experience, it's really best not to fuck with them. So either you're haunted (congratulations on that, who the hell did you piss off?) or you're in desperate need of a handyman. Now, I know I'm handy in the bedroom, so if you need some help there, I'm your man. For anything else though, I think the yellow pages are your best hope.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_  
_I'm bored and there is nothing to do here, what do you suggest I should?_

_Sincerely,_

_I'm so bored that I give a new meaning to being bored_

Dear Long-Winded Signature,

You know what they say, idle hands are the devil's playthings. If you're in need of a devil for the day, I'd love to test out your hands.

Love,  
Damon

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_Where can I get an app to the Damon School of Cool?_

_-GEM1588_

I'm so glad you asked. See below:

Damon's School of Cool Application- submit answers to EMAIL (deardamon[at]ymail[dot]com) only. Do not comment your answers

Name:

Age:

Orientation:

Coolest thing you've ever done:

What adjectives would your friends use to describe you?

Which of your activities is most rewarding and why?

What can you contribute?

Why should you be accepted over other applicants?

*Men need not apply. In order to be considered, answer all questions honestly, as they will be verified by Damon before admittance is permitted.

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	21. Recalculating

A/N: Damon was extremely disappointed in the lack of participation last week as only two people filled out his kick-ass application. Therefore, he will be extending his enrollment process through the end of this week. If you'd like to apply, find the application on the previous chapter. And now... on with the goodness.

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**Recalculating**

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Dear Damon,

My friend was in a car accident recently and died. Now I'm all sad and lonely. I don't want to end up like Jeremy Gilbert so please help me!

Love,  
Don't want to be Jeremy Gilbert

Dear Non-Jeremy,

People die. Get over it. Don't worry, be happy. All that jazz.

Love,  
Damon

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Dear Damon,

I was just discussing The World of supernaturals with DarkAngel1864 and it then occurred to me; Which vampire would be most likely to change a guy?

Many thanks, I love your column!

tomtom1995

Dear Tomtom,

First, you know they named a GPS after you, right man? You should be getting royalties or some shit. Second, Supernatural? Isn't that like, that lame route66 'demon hunter brothers' show on the tweeb channel? You can't seriously think I watch that crap. Ask Stefan.

Love,  
Damon

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Dear Damon,

In just a few short weeks, I'll be visiting Mystic Falls. I've never been, and need someone to show me the ropes around there. Any cool places to hang out, parties to go to, bars, cool people? Anything? I need some insight here. Please & Thank you Mr. Salvatore.

Much Love,

LittleMissDegenerate!

Dear Degenerate,

I could show you around but we'd probably just end up in my bedroom and by the end of your stay you wouldn't even remember it. Then again at least I'd have had a great time.

Love,  
Damon

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Dear Damon,

You open for a one night-stand? ;)

Love,  
GirlThatsGoodInBed

Dear TBD,

I can pencil you in for next Friday between 9 and 10 p.m. Or if you're open for a threesome I've got a Wednesday at 11pm. Video verification is due 4 hours before the rendez-vous.

Love,  
Damon

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	22. Nonfiction

A/N: Hello readers. It's the first week of the month... you all know what that means! Another installment of Damon's Top Ten. And before we get started... just a brief note- lighting fireworks: fun; lighting people on fire: REALLY fun; setting vamps on fire: good way to end up Dead. Have a Happy 4th.

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**Nonfiction**

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_Dear Damon,_

_My friend is bipolar, seriously. He's been ignoring us for four days at school and then he comes to us today and talks to us normally. When we ask him about why he was ignoring us, he says he wasnt and that he 'didn't know we were there'._

_What the hell?_  
_My Friend's Bipolar_

Dear Grade Schooler,

Why are you bringing your recess drama to me? Either get over it or ditch him.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Do you realize that all these one-night stands are evidence that you are suppressing your inner homosexuality? There's no shame in being gay, man. Just be yourself._

_Love and Rainbows,_

_Dr. PsychWard_

Dear PsychPatient,

I'm enclosing a note to have them up your meds.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon:_

_do u know Jasper Whitlock? the Twil Vamp? u know since u both were in the civil war_

_Love,_  
_Me_

Dear Sparkle Fan,

Where to even begin? First, do you realize that the only thing those pansy Bambi killers are good for is 70's disco night at the roller rink? Second, there's fiction and there's reality. Jasper is fiction and about as dangerous as a paper cut, I on the other had could kill you before you even blink. Seriously, Half vamps and werewolves and sparkles and LOVE? Come on now… that crap was made up by a sexually frustrated soccer mom. I don't think I can stress enough how much I miss Ann Rice. Lastly, "Twil" is a ridiculous abbreviation, no matter what absurdity lies within the plot.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Dark Prince Damon,_

_Are you more "talented" and powerful than the Brat Prince Lestat? I would love to know...From what I have seen and read you have him backed into a corner in more ways than one..._

_~Willing Crow_

Dear Crow,

Lestat is the tragic attempt to put Stefan into words. Seriously, and this is about the only time I'll say this, but even Stefan is better than that.

Love,  
Damon

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Damon's Top Ten Drinks

10… Dracula's kiss  
09… Corpse reviver  
08… Skeleton in your closet  
07… Voodoo Priestess  
06… Apocalypse Now  
05… Devil's Cocktail  
04… Crypt Keeper  
03… Bourbon Street Nightmare  
02… Devil's Handshake  
01… Bloody Mary

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	23. Ten Ticket Thrill Ride

A/N: Damon has asked us to once again inform his readers that Katherine and the gang ask far too many thinly veiled questions. If he doesn't answer them in person, there's no way it's going to happen over the internet. We're all interested in what's going on inside that head of his… but trust us, there are some secrets better kept hidden. We know you've got some hilarious questions, (we've seen some great ones so far!) just find something not related to Damon's life, okay? Okay. Thanks a million!

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**Ten Ticket Thrill Ride**

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_Dear Damon,_

_Ok so I'll admit I have trouble talking to guys. I usually blush or something. I'm getting over it but obviously I could use some advice. The cuter the guy, the worst it is. Advice on starting a conversation would also be helpful._

_–charmed_

Dear Charmed,

If you're having trouble talking to guys then stop. I'm not saying become a pathetic shut in with a newspaper collection and 20 cats, because that's creepy. But you don't have to talk to a guy to get his interest. Just flirt with him without words. Trust me your eyes and smile can get you way more than your words can. And if all else fails just remember: A lot of blood going to one location on a woman is always hot. Revel in the blush, my dear. Vamps dig it.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_  
_I need help, I'm in love with a Miss Elena Gilbert, I can't help it I'm normally one for the bad girls but she has my heart. I know she's Stefan but can you help me break those two up so I can get in her pants? I don't know what it is about her? Care to spill why she is so special!_

_Lotta Love_  
_I want the girl_  
_P.S I think you are pretty peng, Wanna bang?_

Dear Want-the-girl,

I'm slightly confused here. It's obvious from your note that you are bisexual (which by the way I have no problem with in the least). My issue lies here- are you male or female? I'm not going to lie, seeing Elena get it on with another girl… could be the hottest thing ever. But if you're a dude… I'm going to have to pass. How do they put it? Hoes over bros? Yeah, we'll go with that.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I've officially left school now and only need to go back for exams. There is one teacher who has become really close to me and although he's told me to email and visit when I can, I don't know whether it would be appropriate to give him my personal email and stay in touch over the summer. I don't want to lose contact with him; he's become such a large part of my life._

_Love,_  
_Maybe I Should Get Friends My Own Age_

Dear Maybe,

Friends your age are overrated. I'm sure they're all whiney teenagers that are as dumb as a pile of rocks. As far as teachers go, maybe you should cut yours some slack. I mean, teachers have no life. All they do is grade papers and occasionally stake vampires or get possessed… Maybe that's just Ric though? Anyway, back to the point… It's not uncommon for attractive young women to seek out an older, more worldly 'companion'. Let me know of your teacher friend doesn't work out, I might have the perfect person for you. And that person of course is me.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I work at a theme park and every day I have to deal with moronic guests that wouldn't know what common sense was if it bit them on the **. I don't want to quit my job but I can't deal with them anymore. Any tips on patience before I press the eject button on their seat belts?_

_Love,_  
_Sun-burnt Ride Operator_  
_P.S. Why are you so hot?_

Dear Operator,

Eject buttons were created for a reason. And that reason is called 'stress relief'. And with a P.S. like that, why bother asking any other questions?

Love,  
Damon

P.S. I've just moved you to the front of the line for the One-Night-Only, Time-of-Your-Life Roller Coaster known as Damon Salvatore's bed. Buckle up, sugar.

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	24. Burn After Reading

A/N: Damon has asked us to pass along that while all your questions are appreciated, he prefers the ones that don't require him to be drunk to understand. He much prefers the coherant questions, and the ones he hasn't seen the likes of a million times over. So remember, coherant, and unique. Thanks for reading! now on to this week's column...

* * *

**Burn After Reading**

_Dear Damon,_

_I recently got a new job at my university library, and everything is great except for the security. Each night a security guard comes in to close down with us and make sure no one's left in the building and that we're safe walking out to our cars. Most of the guards are fine, but there's this one that creeps me the fuck out and I don't know what to do about it. I'd honestly feel safer at 11 o'clock at night walking out into the dark empty parking lot if he WASN'T around. I just get a terrible vibe off of him, and I'm afraid to bring it up with anyone at work since I'm new and still on probation. But I'm not sure I can stand to keep suffering silently over this. Any ideas? Am I overreacting?_

_Love,_  
_Scared of Security_

Dear SoS,

I'd come over and take care of him for you, for a small fee of course. And by 'fee', I mean sexual favor of my choosing. But I digress. If you must handle this yourself I suggest 'accidently' tripping him down the stairs. If that doesn't work send an anonyms letter to his superiors about his creepiness. Best of luck to ya.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_What are your thoughts on leopard print heels?_

_Sincerely,_  
_In need of fashion assistance_

Dear Fashion,

My only thoughts on any sort of heels are how they'll look kicked off on the floor next to my bed. Any other silly questions?

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I need advice. I recently found out an online friend of mine is dying of breast cancer. I also found out that she's been in love with one of my good guy friends from online for years. I know online dating is probably ridiculous to you, but I feel like I should do something. She thinks he doesn't like her, but I think he's probably just clueless that she has feelings about him at all. She's an amazing person, and I want to see her happy up until the day she's gone. Should I do something to try and get them together? Or is that too unfair to him to hook him up with a known ending?_

_Matchmaker Dilemma_

Dear Matchmaker,

What is with people and these online hookups? How do you fall in love through a cable cord? Regardless, please refer your question to my pansy-ass brother. He's the one in the family that deals with 'feelings'. Though I say if you really want to help your friend, why don't you find a vamp willing to turn her? Then she won't need some cyber hookup, unless she's feeling hungry.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_My now ex-best friend is being a bitch and shes trying to make my life a living hell. Whats the best way to get revenge?_

_Love,_  
_She Wants Revenge_

Dear Vengeful,

Some people claim that happiness is the greatest form of revenge. I say bullshit. Get her boyfriend to dump her, convince a teacher she cheated on a test, set her car on fire. Make her life a living hell. And then forget about her. Because the only thing worse than being hated, is knowing someone feels absolutely nothing at all about you. Best of luck.

Love,  
Damon

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	25. This Title Is Currently On Strike

A/N: Dear Readers: Let the good questions roll.

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**This Title Is Currently On Strike**

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_Dear Damon,_

_Why do you always wear black? And what is with that loose, v neck shirt that seems to be sewn to your body? It doesn't suit you. Why look thirty when you're supposed to be twenty something? Why can't we see you in any other color? You used to look fantastically hot in that black leather jacket of yours. And wear white, the one time you did it made you look amazing. The black shirts- Is this an emo- mourning- for-our- generation-thing?_

_All my Love_  
_Fashion police_

Dear Police,

I believe what you meant to say is that I look fantastically hot in anything and everything. And especially in nothing. You would be correct.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon_

_I've been in an relationship for six months now. As we are both virgins we agreed to take it slowly. Six months on however I'm ready to have sex but he's not. What shall I do?_

_Love_  
_Sexually Frustrated Teen xxxx_

Dear Redundant Teen,

Since "teen" can mean anything from 13-19, I've been advised by my editors to refrain from answering. Something about potential lawsuits, pedophilia, and the corruption of humanity. I think next they'll try to tell me I can't be me. Then there might only be two editors left.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Lively or Meester?_

_Love_  
_GGlove_

Dear GGlove,

I don't know what meester means, but I think I'm very lively for a vamp.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. My girly brother just informed me that you were taking about actresses from some soap opera show. I don't know why you all insist on thinking I watch these things. Although I have to say, I looked them up and I've got to go with both. Together.

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_Dear Damon,_

_I'd love to see your face when you read this, but surprise-I'm not won over by you. Every other girl might be swooning over you and thinking you're the best but guess what? I don't. You may look good but you're a dick-end of story. Bottom line. Which, honestly, makes it really hard for you to be likable. And everyone can tell you're hiding your emotions anyway-and a man who doesn't have the balls to express what he feels? Ha-he's weak. You're the weakest of them all, so far; you've probably set a world record for all the other douche bags out there. Hope this brings down your giant ego a tad. God knows you need it._

_Sincerely,_  
_I'm Tired of Men like You_

Dear Frustrated,

It's always nice to see that my hard work is paying off. Cheers darlin'. Look me up if you ever want to work out some of that pent-up frustration between the sheets. I've got a feeling you'd be a real tiger.

Love,  
Damon

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	26. Wacko Week

A/N: This week we have another batch of crazy questions. And we really think Damon likes these ones best. So keep 'em coming! And, as it is the first week of the month, we've got some more Damon's Top Ten goodness in store at the bottom. Enjoy!

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**Wacko Week**

_Dear Damon,_

_My problem is one only you can solve. I'm in love with this guy, you see. He's terribly hot, dons black leather jackets, boasts savvy, sparkling wit and sexy bad boy attitude, has a slightly hazardous dietary problem but I'm sure we can deal with that (my love is strong enough I assure you) He also writes ingenuous advice to annoying teens in a highly in-demand advice column for which I admire him so. Oh, Damon, tell me how to make this perfectly anonymous guy mine._

_Love,_  
_Desperate._

Dear Desperate,

Personally, I'm of the opinion that this is another classic case of a perfectly good compelled one night stand ruined due to the words 'in love with'. Sorry babe, your feelings, your loss.

Love, (scratch that…)  
Damon

P.S. If you dial back on the "L" word, my advice would be tri-fold: Attitude, Leather, and Lace.

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_Dear Damon,_

_I have a nice, disturbing problem for you. It's not for you up fix but in fact be worried about. Very worried about. Remember the totally hot, gorgeous girl you left stranded in an Amazon rainforest cut off from all human contact ten years ago? A forest I take the liberty to remind you was of your choosing mainly because if I may quote, 'it would be so romantic?' The girl who's truck you stole and drove off? All simply because I mentioned introducing you to my mom? Well I'm back. I've found you and this time I intend to get my revenge. You better watch your back. And Elena's. You see I'm a vampire now, and bears no longer scare me._

_Love,_  
_The crazy girlfriend_

Dear Crazy (Not My) Girlfriend,

That is highly disturbing. I'm glad to say that your letter has been misdirected to me. There are many Damon wannabe's in this world, and I'm afraid you must have crossed one of them. See, for the true Damon (i.e. myself) there are much easier ways to get rid of you than abandoning you in the rainforest. So I'm not sure who screwed you over Sparky, but it wasn't me. You got scammed.

Love,

(The Real) Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Have you ever had a girl just jump out of nowhere and just strip you? Because I would have to say that you are that hot! SINFULLY HOT, I might add...Just thought you should be aware._

_~Hiding Behind Door With Rope_

Dear Restraining Order in Progress,

You had me going until the rope. I'm all for a little kink, but no one gets the jump on Damon. Now if you were willing to reverse those bondage roles, well, then I might be willing to reverse this restraining order. Sleep on it and get back to me babydoll. 'Til then, I believe the RO dictates you keep at least 100 yards away from me at all times.

Love (but not too much),

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_As I gaze soulfully into those soul searing irises of yours I wonder woefully- what precise color they are? Would they be ice blue, pearl green, gunmetal grey or midnight black? I have seen you in varying lights and weathers and every shade reflects in those perfect eyes at least once. Pray tell so I can write scintillating poetry about you with a bit more accuracy. When I'm done, I'll be sure to email you the first fifty pages._

_Sincerely,_  
_Damonstalker_

_P.S. Nice silk bed sheets today._

Dear Stalker,

Tell me, did everyone take a crazy pill today? Did some sort of Damon Stalkers Anonymous meeting just let out or something? The color of my eyes will be the least of your problems, princess, if you ever enter my bedroom without permission again. And let me make this quite clear, you do NOT have permission. Perhaps it would do you well to email those 50 pages to your shrink instead.

Damon

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**Damon's Top Ten Sayings**

10...A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.  
09...Some may find solace in ridiculing others, I however am above such mindless superficial behavior.  
08...In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.  
07...I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone.  
06...A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.  
05...It comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel is just a freight train coming your way.  
04...Atheism is a non-prophet organization.  
03...If nothing is certain but death and taxes, I have failed at both.  
02...Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.  
01...Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	27. The Devil is in the Details

A/N: In an effort to waylay any 'cases of the Mondays' we are once again offering up a lovely sampling of Damon's humor, wit and above all, useful advice. Don't forget to leave your questions for Damon... and as always... pass this along to your friends.

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**The Devil's in the Details**

_Dear Damon,_

_I've always had a very good relationship with my little sister who's about 2,5 years younger than me and turns 15 next summer. However, lately she's started to act all weird. Sometimes she has these weird "Ooh I'm so angsty nobody understands me you're so embarrassing sister leave me alone" -moments, sometimes she acts like a 9-year-old and sometimes she's just normal and loveable, just like she used to be a couple of years earlier. Is it just puberty? I don't remember being that annoying when I was in that age. Maybe she should be turned into a vampire? Then she would angst all she wants AND kick some ** for me._

_Sincerely,  
Obviously Embarrassing Sister_

Dear Embarrassing,

I'd wager a bet that you were worse. Who do you think she learned it all from?

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_You don't know us but we know you. We are a secret organization of vampires dedicated to ensuring that the name of our fanged fellow beings is revered properly. After evaluating your situation all we can say is-_

_What do you think you're doing? Word on the street is you've gone all softie. Katherine Pierce reports that you're not only in love with a insignificant (albiet pretty) human, but you're best friend is a lowly (human!) history teacher. You are tarnishing the vampire reputation, Salvatore. We advise you_  
_to kill said humans immediately for your own good._

_Yours truly,_  
_Vampire community of blood bar and grill_

_PS. Before you ask we gave up on Stefan years ago. Even we know a lost cause when we see one._

Dear VC,

Let's just get a few things out of the way. First, you're not a very smart 'secret' organization, considering you just got your purpose and location published. Bravo. Secondly, if I had to guess, I'd say you're most likely a wannabe sitting in your basement pouring over all the vamp lore you can get your hands on. Try leaving the house once in a while. Fresh air and socializing might do you some good. Third, I'd like to say that it's nice to know there are still suckers out there willing to let Katherine make them her bitches. Let me know how THAT one turns out. Katherine doesn't do anything unless it benefits her first. That being said, I don't think I'm the one "tarnishing the vampire reputation" here.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. If I get any more annoying messages about going 'soft' I'll personally track you all down and show you how wrong you are.

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_Dear Damon,_

_I like my best friend's boyfriend. I've tried everything in my willpower to stop liking him, but nothing has worked. What can I do about this? Please help!_

_Signed, A Terrible Friend_

Dear ATF,

Isn't that what you girls do? Steal each other's boyfriends then turn it all around and blame the guy? No? No, of course you wouldn't admit to all that. In any case, you sound like the kind of friend a guy would be lucky to have. As far as I'm concerned, willpower and rules are two things meant to be broken. Or if you really aren't the boyfriend stealing type, have you tried liking your best friend too? The more the merrier I always say. In bed, anyways.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_In case you've forgotten about it, when are we going to know who got accepted into your school of cool? I just wanted to know._

_Thanks,  
Hopeful Applicant_

Dear Applicant,

I was just about to drop the acceptance letters into the mail, but I do believe accusing your future headmaster of being forgetful is the equivalent of forfeiture. Please disregard your letter when it arrives, as I don't feel like spending the time or effort to figure out which envelope was yours.

Love,  
Damon

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	28. A Note From The Editors

A quick authors' note to all our beloved and dedicated readers: Due to extenuating circumstances in a few of our lives, there will not be a new column posted this week. However, we WILL be back with more Damon-y goodness (or evilness depending on how you look at it) on August 22nd. We hope you can forgive us this one week, as it's only the first week we've ever taken off since starting this column with Damon back in February.

We invite you to continue submitting your wonderfully creative and unique questions, and hope that you have a wonderful week!

Oh, and Damon seems a bit mopey since we broke it to him that there's no new column this week. I think that deep down he might secretly enjoy responding to you all. But shhh, don't tell him I said so! We don't need any "Missing Editor!" flyers circulating around.


	29. There's Something About Stefan

A/N: Welcome back to your regularly scheduled Damony goodness. This week we picked out several questions about or to Stefan, so here they all are... Hope you enjoy!

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**There's Something About Stefan**

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_Dear Stefan,_

_I have recently lost a couple of people close to me (natural causes) and I was wondering if the pain will lessen eventually?_

_Sincerely,_  
_Calmer But Hurting._

Dear CBH,

This is my column damn it. I'm not a message service.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon and Stefan,_

_Yes this question goes to both of you since I don't know if any of you two experienced this before. I have huge problems with my Dad. He has been separated from my mum for a good 2 years now and handing in the divorce soon... But that's beside the point._

_Anyway, I'll say it straight out: he's a dick... I really love my family and all, but he drives me nuts. He lies to me, breaks his promises and insults me when he's angry. I can't even talk to him after work anymore because he just flips and starts shouting at me._

_I don't know what to do, I'm looking forward to a piece of advice from the Salvatore Brothers_

_Yours_  
_Helpless C_

Dear Helpless,

Without father's who would we disappoint? I mean it's practically embedded in the DNA for children NOT to get along with their parents. Now, I've got three options for you, depending on how angry you really are at him. One: let it slip out that mommy dearest might have had a fling with the mailman many moons ago because there's no way your genes came from him. Maybe it's not true, but it'll be fun to watch him turn red. Two: Give him a quick kick to his apex to get out some of your pent up frustration and then run like hell. Three: Move out.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. Speaking of that pent up frustration, if you need a place to crash for a while, let me know.

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_Dear Damon,_

_Can ya cover for me if I stake Stefan? I'll give you anything. Promise._

_xx_  
_Hunter Girl_

Dear Hunter Girl,

You've piqued my curiosity with this one. Stefan is never one to ruffle feathers, so I must ask, what exactly is it that he has done to you? That being said, you can keep your stake happy butt away from my brother. If anyone ever gets to stake him, it'll be me. That's the contradictory beauty of the sibling relationship. Personally, I would much prefer to torture my brother for all of eternity rather than put him out of his misery. If you'd like to discuss the possibilities there, I'm all ears.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. Even though the brother is off limits, if you wanna take out Katherine she's fair game.

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_Dear Stefan,_

_How are you enjoying your summer travels? Meet anyone interesting?_

_Love,_  
_Hot for Stefan_

Dear Crazy,

Due to the company my brother is currently keeping he he's unable to answer you lame, annoying, most likely written out of boredom, question. So please stop spamming me with question for the lesser Salvatore brother.

Love,  
Damon

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	30. Natural Disasters Ain't Got Nothin On Me

A/N: Keeping all those affected by Hurricane Irene in our thoughts this week, including one of the editors herself. Now on to what Damon has to say this week.

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**Natural Disasters Ain't Got Nothin' On Me**

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_Dear the most amazing vampire ever,_

So i hear you like pickles. One day while I was on the internet i read that in a country, a pickle is legally NOT a pickle unless it bounces. How does it make you feel that you may have eaten hundreds upon hundreds of illegal pickles without you even knowing? Do you think that it's also illegal to eat these wanna be pickles? In a way, I feel bad for these bounce less little pickles...

Love,  
The pickle and Damon lover

Dear Pickle Freak,

I nearly threw your question out on grounds of absurdity, but the thought of a thousand bouncing pickles wouldn't leave my mind. So I dug your letter back out of the trash (okay yes fine, I had thrown it out). I did some digging (I'll send you my bill) and found that this law is from Connecticut. I have to say that made me feel better. We all know Connecticut doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

Love,

Damon

P.S. Just for the record, my favorite illegal thing to consume would be you.

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_Dear Damon,_

Do you have an opening Friday night at 8 o'clock?

Love,  
Lace 'N' Leather xD

Dear Lace 'N' Leather,

I'm not sure what this 'xD' business is with your sign off, but if you're willing to push the time back to 9o'clock, then I'm betting I can find out.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Take an anti-hot pill it's driving us all crazy!_

_xoxo  
Summer lovin_

Dear Summer,

Heresy! A world without a hot Damon is no world at all. Besides, crazy is exactly how I want you.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

You're very charming and witty, and tend to get what you want. Besides compelling, how do you do it? Does it just come naturally or do they offer classes for these things?

Love,  
Recently Trying New Things

Dear Trying,

This is all natural babe. My level of wit and charm cannot be learned. Stefan's been trying for years, and look how pathetic he is at it. You've either got it or you don't. If you wanted to swing by around… 4 o'clock Saturday we can take a few minutes and see if you've got it in you. And just for the record, I don't 'tend' to get what I want, I _ensure_ it.

Love,

Damon

* * *

Editors' Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	31. OldFashioned Crisis

Dear readers today you should take a page from the Damon Salvatore rule book. Rule 3645- 'Never work'. Labor day is no exception. Have a great day slacking.

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**Old-Fashioned Crisis**

_Dear Damon, _

_I heard a rumour that there was an even badder vampire than you. Is it true? _

_Sincerely,  
Concerned_

Dear Concerned,

You needn't be. This poser will be dead by morning.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon, _

_My mother in law is so mean to me, I try so hard to be nice to her but nothing I do is ever good enough. I think she tried to kill me at one point. My husband won't do anything and I'm thinking I'm going to leave him. What should I do? You must help me! _

_Love,  
Hated Daughter-in-law_

Dear Hated,

The fact that you got married at all makes me seriously question your judgment here. But since you've wisened up enough to ask for my advice, here it is. Leaving your guy definitely sounds like the best option. Not only do you get to further prove the sham that marriage really is, you also get to rid yourself of a possibly murderous mother-in-law. I say win-win.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Are you Seme or Uke?_

_Love  
Yaoi fan girl.  
P.S I'd love to grope you._

Dear Fangirl,

I'm prideful of the fact I had to look up what your ramblings meant. On to the point, if I have to tell you the answer to this then you don't really know me do you? Think about that.

Love,  
Damon

P.S. I do the groping here.

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_Dear Damon,_

_how come your brother isn't more like you? I mean, come on you are hot/loveable/bad **... I just don't get it... And if he was a bit more like you, at least it would double the chances for us women to get a night in the arms of a hot Salvatore _

_Much love,  
The Awesome Hails._

Dear Hails,

I think in Stefan's mind if he tried to be like me he'd spontaneously combust. While I, on the other hand, know without a doubt that there is no equal to Damon Salvatore. And the upside to eternity is that I have time to give each and every one of you a night in these arms.

Love,  
Damon

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* * *

Damon's Top Ten Karaoke Songs

10. We Didn't Start the Fire  
09. Wanted Dead or Alive  
08. Pour Some Sugar on Me  
07. You Shook Me All Night Long  
06. Devil Went Down to Georgia  
05. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction  
04. Born to be wild  
03. Dirt Deeds Done Dirt Cheap  
02. Like a Virgin  
01. Bad Company

* * *

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	32. Stranger Than Fiction

A/N: Before we get into this week's dose of Damon, we had just a couple of things we wanted to say.

First, we want to extend our thought and prayers to all of those affected in any way by the tragic events of September 11, 2001, ten years ago from yesterday. To us, it seems just as if it really was yesterday, and so we wanted to take a moment for remembrance in honor of those lost or affected that terrible day, and all those lost or affected because of it since that day. You are remembered and cared about.

Second, this Thursday, September 15th, marks the long awaited return of The Vampire Diaries! Woohoo! The summer has been long and sad without our weekly dose of Damon-y awesomeness, and we hope that our column here has helped at least slightly with curbing your withdrawal from the real thing.

Now on to the fun. Enjoy! And don't forget to submit your creative and unique questions to Damon via the comments section, or at the email address listed on our profile page.

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**Stranger Than Fiction**

_Dear Damon,_

_Since you 'claim' to hate Stefan soooooo much, how come you dress completely the SAME?_

_- HA_

Dear HA(ter),

I think your view of the facts is shortsighted here. Since you seem to have forgotten, let me remind you that I am, in fact, the older brother here. If anyone dresses like anyone, it's poor pathetic Stefan dressing like me. And speaking of 'shortsighted', I would recommend getting your eyes checked, since we don't dress at all alike.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon_

_My friend is so annoying. She invites me over to her house then ditches me for some other friend. I hung out with her sister and she got pissed about that. Now she keeps sending me nasty texts. Should I just ignore her? Or confront her?_

_Love stuck in the middle_

Dear Stuck,

I say drop her like yesterday's trash and find someone better to hang out with. Remember friends are only as good as the assets they provide.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I was just wondering in my all too endless free time, what would happen if zombies invaded Mystic Falls? Naturally they wouldn't get a bite out of you, but what about everyone else including Elena, Alaric, Stefan and so on?_

_~Unprepared for apocalypse_

Dear UFA,

What type of C-list horror have you been smoking? The concept that zombies could even be real is laughable. But ignoring that for a moment, I believe Stefan would go down first. Alaric can hold his own pretty well, despite his human handicap. And I'll just make this perfectly clear, anything, zombie or otherwise, that comes at Elena will regret it before they finish thinking of it.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_Okay, I have a problem and some random questions...if any of them make it sound like I stalk you that's because I'm a professional stalker that spent a year in Mystic Falls._

_So this is a really silly problem, but...I think I might be lesbian, and I'm kinda terrified. I mean, I find some guys attractive, but I...you know. Girls are nicer. What can I do? If you answer with something rude and/or hurtful I'll have to rip your head off (kidding) but seriously I'll send Buffy Summers after you, so be warned._

_Speaking of Buffy, what would you say/do if you ever met her?_

_How come you don't vamp out like Angel or Spike? The red eye thing creeps me out._

_Sincerely,_

_Terrified Potential Lesbian_

_P.S. Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay are the most wonderful people in the world and the one thing that keeps me from having a heart attack._

Dear Terrified,

Simple answer: If you like guys and girls, you're my favorite type of lady. As for Buffy, I hate to burst your bubble, but she's fictional. Why do you people insist on asking me inane questions about fictional characters? Returning to your potential lesbianism though, I'd love to help you figure things out. In fact, I insist, it's the least I can do for one of my readers. Let me know when you're available and I'll work you in.

Love,  
Damon

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Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	33. Flavor Of The Week

A/N: Probably the best part about Fall is the return of Damon's handsome, irresistible face to national television. We'd like to celebrate with another healthy dose of Damon's advice. Enjoy! And don't forget to share Dear Damon with someone this week.

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**Flavor Of The Week**

_Dear Damon,_

_What's your type? (Your favorite blood type or female type... or both)_

_Love and kisses,_

_~M_

Dear Mysterious M,

AB Negative in a feisty woman who doesn't mind sharing… in any sense of the word.

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,  
_

_Stefan obviously doesn't care about you at all. So why are you wasting all of your time trying to track him, deceiving Elena, and completely ignoring your mortal best friend who's obviously in great pain right now over the loss of the second love of his life. Way to be a jerk. Tell me how you're going to fix this, and then go do it.  
_

_Sincerely,  
Perceptive_

Dear (Not So) Perceptive,

I'm not sure how or where yuo're getting your information. My guess is, you must be one of those Damon Anonymous attendee's I've been hearing about lately. Now, I'm not quite sure what you think you know about me, but your 'perceptiveness' is laughable. Here's a demonstration of MY perceptiveness... Wait… wait for it...I'm getting something… hang on… I see… I see a piece of paper. It's a very important paper. Something to do with distance. Travel? No… no that's not it. Oh I know. It's a restraining order. Have a nice life.

Love from afar,  
Damon

P.S. When I find out how you are prying into my life, there will be hell to pay.

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_Dear Damon,_

Do you miss the ladies fashions of the Victorian era? The corseted waists, the bustles, the gorgeous gowns? Or do you prefer the fashions of today, women wearing their flannel tweety bird pajamas out in public, dingy brown t-shirts, skinny jeans worn by people who really shouldn't be wearing them, leggings worn as pants also by people who shouldn't be wearing leggings, etc.

Love,  
A girl who wants people to dress nicer.

Dear Fashion Police,

The only thing I think about as far as women's fashion goes is whether or not I can get her out of it in less than three seconds, which is my current record. Care to help me practice?

Love,  
Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_You talk about your ability to listen to Taylor Swift. But what about Justin Bieber?_

_Love,  
__Not a belieber_

Dear be****er,

Justine Beaver is not in my musical repertoire.

Love,  
Damon

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Editors' Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


	34. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

A/N: Hope everyone's been enjoying new season of The Vampire Diaries, we know we have! Enjoy this week's column, and don't forget to write in with your questions. We do read each and every question, but we can only pick so many. Therefore, the more unique and creative, the better! Thank you for reading!

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**One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest**

_Dear Damon,_

_My latest boyfriend is like clingy. I didn't even think boys could be like that but he is. Everywhere I go to hang out with my friends he wants to come and he gets jealous if I so much look at a boy and though I thought it was sweet at first I'm freaking sick of it. For God's sake, he waits outside the girls' bathroom for me to come out in break because he's paranoid that I'm going to go talk to some other guy and fall in love with him, it's so embarrassing. All my friends say I should break it off with him but every time I try, he acts all sweet and I just can't do it._

_Comments?_

_Stuck in a clingy relationship_

Dear Stuck,

Have you learned nothing from me? When someone stalks you, you send them a restraining order. Movies may have romanticized stalking, but in reality it's just creepy.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_PLEASE LET ME STAY IN THE BOARDING HOUSE! I'll do anything! *Winks*_

_XX_

_Misao_

_Ps: If not, I'll just have to see how easy it is to get invited in to Elena's house._

Dear Misao,

No.

Love, Damon

P.S. Go near Elena and let's see what happens. No, really. Try it.

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_Dear Wonderful Damon,_

_My suppose best friend are always not considering me and leaving me out. And they insist that I have a Bieber Fever like them and should dream about that ugly sparklepire Edward Cullen. I've tried to find other friends who can comprehend your awesomeness, but people just don't get my obsession with fanfiction. Oh and I constantly think about you sometimes. I'm Team Damon_  
_forever! I can't wait till next week's episode._

_Damon you rock and this is just really an excuse to get a reply from you._

_Love,_

_Fiction-Loving Mind with a Delena Desire_

Dear Desire,

Your friends are obviously suffering from what I like to call stupidity induced insanity. They really can't help it. 95 % of these cases stem from the stupidity gene passed down from their parents. Tell your friends they're terminal and should enjoy their last few days to the fullest. Because no one puts two girly boys above Damon and lives to tell about it.

Love,

Damon

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_Dear Damon,_

_I just got a nice car, and now I am having issues with my parents, I'm into street racing the lengthy circuit, drag, and Street X, but now they are threatening to take my car away...I'm addicted to speed and I love my car...Any advice? And are you up for a race? Anytime anywhere and where is the 'finish line'?_

_~Speed Demon_

Dear Speed Demon,

What's more important, parents or the car? Meet me at the Grill next Friday, and I'll take you for a ride you'll never forget.

Love,

Damon

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Editors' Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.


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